It's the Planet, Didiot!

Zork Green Tip 12 - Vampire Energy

Earthling, there is a frightening phenomenon happening right now all across your planet. It is called VAMPIRE ENERGY.

Save yourself from wasting electricity, wasting your Earth's fossil fuels and needlessly running up your electric bill.

All you have to do is UNPLUG all things electrical when not in use. You waste electricity when your audio/video/VCR/DVD/DVR/gaming system sits plugged into the outlet, even when they are OFF.

It is so easy to do. Simply plug all of your stuff into one power strip and unplug the power strip when you are finished playing video games or watching your movie. Do not simply flip the switch on the power strip to OFF... this is where vampire energy lurks. Actually unplug the power cord from the outlet to stop vampire energy waste. In standby mode, your TV and video equipment sit silently sucking energy as you sleep.

You might say this is a small hassle, however you will be saving energy, doing your part to save the planet, and enjoying lower electricity bills. Wouldn't you rather do something fun with that money?

Meet the Vampires. These are the "evil machines" wasting precious energy in your home at this very moment.

This is what they cost per year in vampire energy.*

1.Plasma TV $159.76
2. Desktop Computer $34.21

Zork Green Tip 9 - Wind Blows, Didiots

Earthling, we love wind-generated electricity. We know, we know. Some Earthlings will complain that despite wind being green, you do not like to see the wind turbines in your view of the countryside.

Do you want wind farms in the fields? Or would you prefer coal particles in your lungs? We laugh at Earthlings bragging about being a digital, Internet society.  Did you know that 50% of the electricity generated in United States is produced by coal?

Yes, there is plenty of coal on your planet, but coal is not the answer to your electricity needs because coal is not good for the environment no matter what your government officials tell

Zork Green Tip 8 - Slow Down, Didiot

Earthlings, we see how you drive. In all our intergalactic travels, we have never seen a species drive their vehicles, travel pods or space ships as rudely, obnoxiously, aggressively and as moronic as you. We assume it is due to aggressive video games that have you drive like Didiots in order to rack up points. Earthlings, when you drive in real life, please do not think you are playing Grand Theft Auto.

Driving fast hurts this beautiful planet. The only thing you rack up is higher carbon dioxide emissions. Plus you are wasting fuel and look like a Didiot. It befuddles us to see an Earthling drive like crazy through traffic only to see them stopped at a red light. Every time you put the metal to the pedal, you are burning up your hard-earned money.

Do not drive like a Didiot. We know it is common sense, but we offer you the following tips to save gas and your planet as you drive:

Tip 1: Combine your trips, Earthling. We are amused when we see you go to the store to buy a few items only to go back to the store a few more times in the same day. It is not rocket science to plan your shopping trip for once or twice per week. Your goal is to drive the shortest number of miles possible. Combine various types of activities in one trip. For example, plan a trip to the hair stylist, dry cleaner and grocery store on the same drive. If you are going on a date, combine this with driving to the health club beforehand. We understand humans'  muscles are pumped up after exercise, so this will help you look more attractive to your date.

Tip 2: No extra junk in your trunk. We are amazed how many Didiots drive around with a trunk full of junk. Golf clubs, newspaper, clothes and books are driven around in trunks as if they are paying passengers. Extra weight means lower mpg.

Tip 3: Slow down, Didiot. This tip is the best to conserve gas, but most likely the hardest one for Earthlings to do.

Zork Green Tip 7 - Do Not Buy Corn Ethanol

Earthlings, we are more intelligent than you. We do not see that planting corn and making ethanol from it is a logical form of alternative energy.

When corn is used for fuel instead of food, the price of corn goes up for all Earthlings. If you do not believe us, please look around. Go to your grocery store or watch CNN. While flying around in our saucy saucer, we have seen food riots in Haiti, Yemen, Egypt and several African countries because of higher food prices. This will spread to other countries unless Earthlings change their course.

How can corn be green when it is yellow? We are confused. As we fly around in our saucy saucer we see ethanol plants being built across your planet's plains. You will soon learn that corn ethanol is not green-friendly when you account for the entire cycle of clearing land, growing crops, using petroleum products to fertilize it and harvest it, and then using traditional energy to make ethanol from corn. And