It's the Planet, Didiot!

Zork's Green Tip 1 - Be Green and Still Have Fun

Earthling, we are here. It was not by design or intent. We were zipping through space, on our way to a wedding in a distant quadrant of the galaxy, when my lovely wife Meera decided to show our son Zorkey the planet Earth close up.

Close up it was! While hovering above Texas trying to spot a longhorn steer, we happened to be shot down by what your Earthlings call a "Bubba." We do not know how Bubba succeeded, but he did. Fortunately, we are able to land safely on the outskirts of Stephenville.

Bubba shot our energy fuselage. And so we are stranded on planet Earth until Meera and I figure out how to extract fuel from your Earthly elements. We were lucky enough to hide our saucy saucer and integrate ourselves into your Earthling culture.

A few things about us: Our species is one million years more advanced than you Humans. We have developed, over the millennium, the capability of communicating via brain waves. Our strength is 10 times higher than the average Earthling, and our legs and arms can elongate to different lengths. Earthlings, our brains are so advanced that we can create objects on top of our brains. This is similar to your virtual reality models.

We are amazed to see many Didiot humans treat their planet with disrespect. You are destroying your habitat like there is no tomorrow. We see how you treat you vegetation and animals species. Because of our superior intellect, we are able to communicate with your plant and animal species. Your plants and animals are Earthlings, too!

The entire Earth is disgusted with you,

Zork Green Tip 4: Change Your Light Bulbs

Anyone who has not changed their light bulbs is a Didiot! Using cool, new compact fluorescent light bulbs is the easiest way for you to quickly make a difference on this planet. Plus these bulbs save money by lowering your electric bill.

The facts: Your own Union of Concerned Scientists told us that if every home in America would replace just one old incandescent light bulb with a new one, it would stop 90 million pounds of greenhouse gas emissions from power plants. That is the same as taking 7.5 million cars off of U.S. highways. That equals the energy it takes to light 2.5 million homes for one year.

These bulbs pay for themselves. Each compact fluorescent saves an average of $30 in energy cost over its lifetime. They last 10 times longer than the old incandescent bulbs and use 2/3 less energy. Besides that, compact fluorescents produce less heat so they help lower your air conditioning bill. Do you know lighting is 20% of the average homes electric bill?

Please be sure you recycle compact fluorescents because they contain mercury. Drop them off at Home Depot or check LampRecycle for locations in the U.S. You do not want toxic mercury to get into your drinking water or your Earth.

Only 6% of Americans have switched to compact fluorescents. But 34% believe in UFO's.

Compact fluorescents come in a vast array of shapes and sizes! See them all at the Compact Fluorescent Light Bulb Site from the Environmental Defense Group. This is an entertaining site that shows you every compact fluorescent bulb available and what they do, plus it has a cool tool

Zork's Green Tip 3 - Walk, Didiot

Earthling, we have come across revolutionary green technology on Planet Earth that is underutilized by humans every day. It is not wind, solar or biodiesel. This technology is human powered and it is called "walking."

Walking is one of the best things you can do for your planet and yourself. Walking reduces pollution, saves gas, and cuts back on carbon dioxide output.

Humans are lazy when it comes to walking. We have seen Earthlings fight over parking spots only to avoid twenty yards of healthy walking. This is not logical to us. Why is it such a big deal to walk? Flying around the planet in our saucy saucer, we see some countries using walking as the primary means of transportation.

Some countries use more energy than they should. American Earthlings represent 3% of the population but use 25% of the energy. American Earthlings spend too much time driving, and

Zork's Green Tip 2 - 10 Reasons to Plant a Tree

Earthling, without trees, there would be no way for you to breathe and live on this planet.  Every time you chop down a tree, you are actually cutting off your oxygen supply. Why does your species keep murdering them?

You learned the value of trees and the reason for their Earthly existence in grade school. As you grow older, a very high percentage of you become Didiots. We are befuddled when we see adult Earthlings clearing out land and chopping down trees. This tree-killing disease is rampant all across your planet. Every year, the area of trees destroyed equals the size of Portugal.

Where is Portugal?  It is located in Europe and its neighbor is Spain. Portugal is well known for playing the most recognized Earthling sport on the planet, futbol (soccer).

Earthling reader, we are crazy about this human game, futbol. We saw on the Fox Soccer Channel, that Portugal will most likely have its Cristiano Ronoldo nominated as the best player in the world, based on his

Zork Green Tip 16 - Print Less, Use Less Paper

Earthling, why do humans print so much paper? We crunched our nanocomputers and came to the conclusion that paper is not necessary if you are going to move forward into the digital age. Hopefully one day, a million years from now, you will become super intelligent and advanced like us.

On our planet, we stopped printing paper millenniums ago. Everything is digitally stored on our nanocomputers. Most of your paper is made from trees. Trees make oxygen for you to breathe, remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and create shade.

Earthling, every time you print something on paper, remember you are printing on a dead species called trees. Trees are Earthlings too.  

How would you feel if you were killed for the purpose of being converted into a printed paper such as some mindless catalog that comes to some human's mailbox, unsolicited only to be thrown into the trashcan? Would this be the intent and purpose of your life and destiny?

Each year, every human in the U.S. creates 560 tons of waste paper. And the entire country produces a total of 78 million tons per year.

Every ton of paper you recycle saves: 17 trees, 4200 kilowatt hours of electricity, 7000 gallons of water, and 3 cubic yards of landfill space. Plus, 60 pounds of effluents are not emitted into the air.*

Do you think trees want to grow high up in the air for the purpose of being converted into 24# paper? We think not. We know trees are not happy with Earthlings. We have the ability to communicate with trees and other species on this planet by means of brain waves.