It's the Planet, Didiot!

Zork Green Tip 26 - Green Your Politician

Green Your Politician Earthling! We do not understand the concept of "brown-nosing" politics on your planet. Since our saucy saucer was shot down by “Bubba” in Stephenville, Texas, we have not been able to escape the hoopla and circus of Campaign 2008 in what you call America.

My glorious stars, we have never seen so many promises made in such a short amount of time. We have been entertained by both Democrats and Republicans but to us they seem very much alike.  Despite being millions of years more advanced than you, we just do not understand human politics. Why are Earthing politicians such brown-nosers? Do Earthlings really believe what they say?

Why do American Earthlings believe President George W. Bush Jr. will take care of the environment in America?

URGENT WARNING: Human, the Bush administration is providing very little time for public comment as it eases rules protecting your endangered animal species. The Interior Department (I guess they do interior decorating of the American landscape) is giving American humans only 30-days to comment on a Bush Administration proposal that will allow federal agencies approving or funding dams, highways and other projects to decide themselves, without input from government experts, whether endangered species are likely to be harmed?

We are befuddled why President Bush would want to do this before he leaves the office. From what we know, Bush is a generic name for particular plants. Why is he not green like us? It is the only way to be. What is the big hurry Mr. Bush?

Human, we see a pattern in your political process. Correct us if we are wrong. From our observations, the following steps are critical to being a successful politician on your planet:

Step 1: Money makes your planet go around and the primary job of a politician is to raise capital for their campaign. Obviously, the easiest way to raise money is to have financial help from special interest groups called lobbyists. From what we see, these lobbyists do not wait in the lobby to talk to a politician.

We see lobbyists contributing money to politician’s campaigns, taking them to dinner or lunch to discuss important matters that matter to clients the lobbyists represent. We have counted more than 29,000 lobbyists running around Capitol Hill. We do not understand what kind of hill but that is a lot of people sitting around, basking in the sun, doing nothing except sniff and kiss each others rear behinds.

Zork Green Tip 25 - Winkie Meister makes the biggest carbon footprint on the Earth

My name is Drauk. I am Zork’s single brother-in-law. Zork has been unable to repair our saucy saucer's intergalactic power booster, which would enable us to escape the gravitational forces of your planet and travel through space at hyperspeed.  That is great news for me because I find female Earthlings hot, gorgeous and beautiful.

Dude, finally, I get a chance to write a green tip. I read Zork and Meera’s green and frugal tips over the last three months and they are highly education-licious. However they missed the most obvious green tip to stop global climate change, pollution and improve the health of the entire planet.

Earthlings, if you are going to stop pollution and climate change you must STOP Winkie Meister first. He is the sole cause of overpopulation which is one of the primary causes of global climate change.

Zork would not understand because he is not cool, hip, handsome and happening like me. Zork might be 100 times smarter than me due to a genetic malfunction during birth but I don’t mind because I am 100 times better looking.

Winkie Meister has no brains. He acts purely on impulse. That is the problem with your planet. Your have Winkie Meisters running around like chickens with their heads cut off, looking for entertainment without thinking through the consequences of their actions.

Winkie Meister has caused population growth over the last hundred years unprecedented in the history of humanity. During the twentieth century, more humans were born than in all previous human history.

In 1800, there were 1 billion of you people. In 1900, there were 1.6 billion. In 1950, you started acting like rabbits and there were 2.5 billion Earthlings. Today, there is a whopping 6 billion plus! Something has to give, my Earthling bunnies.

Zork Green Tip 22 - Zork Designer Masks

Earthlings, we thoroughly enjoyed Euro 2008. We were not the only species to experience the thrill of Planet Earth’s greatest game – futebol. We found out that the average viewing for the futebol (soccer) matches was 135 million Earthlings per game for the 31 matches. This is a total of 4.185 billion viewers for the tournament. We congratulate the Spaniards for their win.

Zork Green Tip 24 - Be Kind to Trees, Use a Kindle Reader

Become paperless. Humans, your rudimentary device called a “personal computer” was supposed to turn your civilization into a paperless society. From what we see observing humans, this has not happened yet.

Earthling, we do not understand your Didiot-like and massive use of paper. We try not to insult a species that is a million years less advanced than us but we cannot for the stars of us figure you out.

Why, Earthling, why? Our highly-evolved brains have become non-emotional but I must admit that printing paper has arisen my emotional genes, which only happens every 3,888 years.

In 2006, American Earthlings imported and produced 100 million metric tons of paper. The total pages printed on printers and multi-function printers was approximately 1.5 trillion pages.

Humans, what could possibly be so important that you must print all this paper?

The only thing we can deduct and decipher from all these printing activities is that Earthlings print so much paper at work in order to cover their rear behinds. Job security does not mean printing paper for backup purposes. Just because you use toilet paper to clean your rear end does not mean you have to print paper to cover your rear behind at work as well.

We are horrified when we enter your book stores. You may see interesting books to read but all we can see is dead trees. Bookstores are cemeteries for trees. We know. We are able to talk to trees in different frequencies. The trees tell us that book stores are their worst nightmares.

Humans, there are simple solutions to all this printing mess.

First, use recyclable paper if possible.

Second, read the news on your computer instead of on paper. We do not understand why newspapers print newspapers anymore. Why, Earthling, why?

Third, get yourself a Kindle. This electronic reader was created by an Earthling company called Amazon. Kindle enables you to download books digitally and read them at your leisure, anytime and anyplace. You can have every book on your planet inside the space of one book. Think of how many trees you will save.

Zork Green Tip 23 - Live in a Small Dwelling

Earthlings, we understand you need space because your body odor at times is not the most pleasant to our noses. Unlike your crude human vessel, our bodies exert rose-like odor, which is very sweet to our highly sensitive noses. Due to the fact that we are million of years more advanced, our noses are more sensitive than the noses of your best friend, dog.

We understand the human need to live in a spacious and comfortable dwelling environment. What we do not understand is why humans live in large houses that are over 2,000 square feet.

We were surprised to discover Earthling Al Gore lives in a very large dwelling of approximately 10,000 square feet. Al Gore is a great human, but we do not understand what he does in those 10,000 square feet of dwelling. Maybe he gets up multiple times per night and plays musical chairs with all of the bedrooms.

Earthling Gore admitted he was not perfect. We thank him for making global climate an important political and social topic for Earthlings. It must be hard to justify his style of living to other humans on other parts of the Earth who live in tiny apartments while he lounges luxuriously in his “green” mansion. There is a classic saying by humans: “Take my advice, I am not using it.” We also understand the Gore house is carbon neutral but that is not the point.

Right: Alchemy Architects' 350 square foot weeStudio, about $70,000

Recently we learned that famous boxer, Evander Holyfield, is in financial trouble and there is a possibility of his house going into foreclosure. 

We do not understand how homes are foreclosed on your planet. On our planet, every Zorkster has the right to live in a dwelling and the concept of mortgage or rent is something we have moved beyond at least five hundred thousand years ago.