It's the Planet, Didiot!

Zork Green Tip 21 - Save the Animals

Earthling, we are fond of your other creatures on this planet. We assure you that you are not the only important species on this planet.

We are one million years more advanced than you and our brains can communicate on multiple frequencies. We are able to speak in trillions of languages across the galaxy, in the archaic delivery method of using vocal chords as humans do.

Our preference is to communicate through our brain wave frequencies whenever possible. We can download 1 petabyte in less than one nanosecond between each other, and to our nanocomputers. We are also able to communicate with all species on this beautiful planet through brain wave intergalactic frequencies.

What we have learned may be shocking to you. Here is the honest alien truth, Zork's honor: Animals are Earthlings too (and so are plants).

Some Earthling Didiots have no regard for the animal kingdom. We do not understand why humans cannot live in harmony with other animal species. This is their planet too.

Zork Green Tip 30 - Adjust Your Thermostat

Earthling, I have to confess that even after being married to Meera for more than 1,578 years, every time I see her in her sexy outfit, my body temperature goes way, way, way up. 

My Didiot brother-in-law, Drauk, is in heat 24/7. His thermostat has been out of control since the night our saucy saucer was shot down on your planet. Meera cannot stop her brother from chasing what he calls “bodacious” babes. Beware, female Earthlings, Drauk may be around the corner!

Another type of thermostat is very important to the well-being of your planet and the financial health of your wallet. The thermostat in your dwelling and your business should be your best friend – not your Earthling pet dog.

Can your dog save you money? Can man’s best friend help save the planet? We think not, despite the fact that dogs are Earthlings too. The thermostat in your house or business will save you money and reduce the global carbon footprint of your beautiful planet.

Zork Green Tip 29 - Save H2O

Human, we love water. We traveled the galaxy for thousands of years. One common thing we found in every galaxy and every planet we visited is that where there is life, there is also water.

We understand that many humans did not believe there was extraterrestrial life until we were shot down by Bubba in Stephenville, Texas. Life, including us, is a result of water.

Water is life. Life is water. There is no way around it.

We are befuddled why Earthlings pollute and waste water. We analyzed the Earthly data on our nanocomputers and confirmed that drinkable water for Earthlings will be a much bigger problem than the high price of oil you face today.

The cause of your water shortages is simple. There are over six billion water-thirsty humans on planet Earth. Earthlings are using water faster than the Earth's water reservoirs can replenish the supplies. Water tables are falling on every continent as demand for water grows faster due to population growth. Overpumping of water is now widespread in China, India and United States. These three Earthly countries together make nearly half of the world’s grain harvest.

Zork Green Tip 28 - Skate to Save the Planet

After being stranded on your beautiful planet for over six months, we discovered an exciting human-made technology of intergalactic significance that reduces energy consumption while traveling. This transportation technology saves a substantial amount of gasoline while providing Earthlings with a platform to have fun and be green like us.

1000 MPG. According to our nano-computer calculations and rigorous technical and mathematical analysis, this transportation device generates at least 1000 MPG before it needs to be refueled.

This green technology is the skateboard. Earthlings, what a fun way to get around.

Don’t be a Didiot. Please do not attempt to ride your skateboard on your highways crowded with metal transportation devices expelling large amounts of carbon dioxide into your atmosphere. Skateboarding is one of the greenest ways to get around your neighborhood.

Zork Green Tip 27 - Save the Fish

Earthling, we recently visited one of your planet’s beautiful beaches. We were amazed at so many humans playing in the sand on the edge of your Pacific Ocean

We observed Earthlings of all ages standing in the shallow, cold, ocean water waves. We do not understand why humans stand for hours in the cold water. Other humans sleep in the sand for hours, reminding us of another Earthling species we had never seen before – the seal.

Naughty Drauk. My dear brother in law, Drauk, caused a commotion on the beach. He has one thing in common with Earthling dog pets. When in heat, both like to hump on a human’s leg. Drauk saw the beautiful female body vessels in bikinis and went crazy. We had to expend all or our effort stopping him from humping one of the girl’s leg.

Bikinis. Earthling, we do not understand what the big deal is about wearing bikinis. We have evolved past the need to wear clothing on our planet. We do not understand why you can wear a bikini on a beach, but not to work? Why not run in a bikini at the park? Why is it not appropriate to go to a fancy restaurant in a bikini?

Speedos. Meera was amused by Earthling males wearing tiny Speedos. We are not shy like Earthlings but even Meera was blushing after seeing hunky, young earthlings playing volleyball in Speedos.

Volleyball. Humans playing beach volleyball reminded me of seals making grunt noises playing with the ball.

Dolphins. We saw another Earthling species jumping through the water. Dolphins are humans’ best ocean friend. What a smart and beautiful animal, joyous and playful too.

Due to the simple fact that our brains are one million years more advanced than yours, we can communicate with the dolphins. They told us something disturbing. Dolphins look happy on the outside, but their hearts are full of sorrow and despair. They are sad because fish and the entire ocean ecosystems are dying due to pollution and over fishing by Didiot humans.

Here is what the dolphins told us:

Dolphin Fact #1: 90% of all sharks, tunas, cods, and other large predatory fish that once swam the oceans are gone. And their absence is causing problems throughout the ocean's food chains.