It's the Planet, Didiot!

Zork Green Tip 5 - Bike, Monsier

Earthlings, if you are too lazy to walk, we offer you an alternative green technology called a bicycle. Humans should ride everywhere on their bikes. The new fashion trend is riding bikes, especially since gas is nearly $4 per gallon.

5 beautiful reasons to ride a bike:

1. Save the planet. Your average vehicle produces 8 tons of carbon dioxide (20 tons per person) each year and burns 650 gallons of gasoline. We see you and we know that half of your car trips are less than five miles. You can easily use a bike for these trips and reduce your carbon output.  

2. Find love. What better way to impress a potential mate than riding a bike to your date? Trust us, Earthlings. We have been on many galactic travels and we have seen other species use bikes to impress their dates on planets a million years away. It works!

Imagine riding up to a fancy restaurant on your bicycle, while other Didiot Earthlings do the same old boring thing and drive up in their Ferraris. We guarantee your date

Zork's Green Tip 3 - Walk, Didiot

Earthling, we have come across revolutionary green technology on Planet Earth that is underutilized by humans every day. It is not wind, solar or biodiesel. This technology is human powered and it is called "walking."

Walking is one of the best things you can do for your planet and yourself. Walking reduces pollution, saves gas, and cuts back on carbon dioxide output.

Humans are lazy when it comes to walking. We have seen Earthlings fight over parking spots only to avoid twenty yards of healthy walking. This is not logical to us. Why is it such a big deal to walk? Flying around the planet in our saucy saucer, we see some countries using walking as the primary means of transportation.

Some countries use more energy than they should. American Earthlings represent 3% of the population but use 25% of the energy. American Earthlings spend too much time driving, and

Zork Green Tip 10 - Top 10 Eco-Friendly Date Tips

Earthlings, have fun and be green at the same time. Make all of your dates green dates. We do understand that variety and spontaneity is important in Earthling relationships, but must you go out, drive your gas guzzling cars and eat out all the time? There are many fun options for dates which do not damage the planet. Please do not be a love Didiot!

We want you to be green like us, please read our Top 10 Green Date Tips:

Green Date Tip 1: Local Food at Home. Make a date at your dwelling. Do not go to a noisy, cold restaurant where you have to stand around by the entrance until they have a table for you. Make dinner in your cozy crib. This will save gas and lower your carbon emissions.

If this is your first date, you can simply say, "I am green and would love to make you a nice dinner at my own dwelling, so we can reduce our carbon footprint." Make your meal from locally-grown or produced food.

Green Date Tip 2: Use Your Feet. Ride your bicycle to your date's dwelling or walk. Or ride bikes or walk with your date. Besides being green, this will enable you to have some physical exercise and warm you up for the possible exercise in which both of you may participate in later.

Green Date Tip 3: Dare to Unplugged. Earthlings, we do not mean for you to have an MTV-style, unplugged concert. Create an electricity-free, natural date. Use candlelight, roast marshmallows at your fireplace, grille on your patio or eat raw. Enjoy the music of the birds and crickets; and  lots of deep, meaningful conversation. This date will win anyone with a heart. If you really want to score high with your date, perhaps you could try to go unplugged and play an instrument for her with crickets in the background.

Zork Green Tip 34: 10X Investment for 2009

Earthlings, stay away from Wall Street this year. Forget about putting your savings into banks which are being bailed out and bought out by your governments across the planet. We have figured out how any human can save money and make the right investment this year.

Yes, you can. Yes, we can. You can make money this year. This is not some Madoff get-rich-scheme. We are not sneaky, slimy, shenanigan, shyster meister financial wizards from Wall Street. We do not even have an MBA. However, if you have already read some of our blogs, you know we have vastly superior intelligence to your species. Please do not hold that against us. We are simply trying to help.

Human, after seeing Earthlings suffer in 2008 due to all the shenaniganisms, we actually want to say “Watts up!”  Help us to help you save you from Didiot Earthlings.

Earthling, the easiest way to make and save money this year is to invest into CFC light bulbs.

Zork Green Tip 28 - Skate to Save the Planet

After being stranded on your beautiful planet for over six months, we discovered an exciting human-made technology of intergalactic significance that reduces energy consumption while traveling. This transportation technology saves a substantial amount of gasoline while providing Earthlings with a platform to have fun and be green like us.

1000 MPG. According to our nano-computer calculations and rigorous technical and mathematical analysis, this transportation device generates at least 1000 MPG before it needs to be refueled.

This green technology is the skateboard. Earthlings, what a fun way to get around.

Don’t be a Didiot. Please do not attempt to ride your skateboard on your highways crowded with metal transportation devices expelling large amounts of carbon dioxide into your atmosphere. Skateboarding is one of the greenest ways to get around your neighborhood.