It's the Planet, Didiot!

Zork Green Tip 8 - Slow Down, Didiot

Earthlings, we see how you drive. In all our intergalactic travels, we have never seen a species drive their vehicles, travel pods or space ships as rudely, obnoxiously, aggressively and as moronic as you. We assume it is due to aggressive video games that have you drive like Didiots in order to rack up points. Earthlings, when you drive in real life, please do not think you are playing Grand Theft Auto.

Driving fast hurts this beautiful planet. The only thing you rack up is higher carbon dioxide emissions. Plus you are wasting fuel and look like a Didiot. It befuddles us to see an Earthling drive like crazy through traffic only to see them stopped at a red light. Every time you put the metal to the pedal, you are burning up your hard-earned money.

Do not drive like a Didiot. We know it is common sense, but we offer you the following tips to save gas and your planet as you drive:

Tip 1: Combine your trips, Earthling. We are amused when we see you go to the store to buy a few items only to go back to the store a few more times in the same day. It is not rocket science to plan your shopping trip for once or twice per week. Your goal is to drive the shortest number of miles possible. Combine various types of activities in one trip. For example, plan a trip to the hair stylist, dry cleaner and grocery store on the same drive. If you are going on a date, combine this with driving to the health club beforehand. We understand humans'  muscles are pumped up after exercise, so this will help you look more attractive to your date.

Tip 2: No extra junk in your trunk. We are amazed how many Didiots drive around with a trunk full of junk. Golf clubs, newspaper, clothes and books are driven around in trunks as if they are paying passengers. Extra weight means lower mpg.

Tip 3: Slow down, Didiot. This tip is the best to conserve gas, but most likely the hardest one for Earthlings to do.

Zork Green Tip 7 - Do Not Buy Corn Ethanol

Earthlings, we are more intelligent than you. We do not see that planting corn and making ethanol from it is a logical form of alternative energy.

When corn is used for fuel instead of food, the price of corn goes up for all Earthlings. If you do not believe us, please look around. Go to your grocery store or watch CNN. While flying around in our saucy saucer, we have seen food riots in Haiti, Yemen, Egypt and several African countries because of higher food prices. This will spread to other countries unless Earthlings change their course.

How can corn be green when it is yellow? We are confused. As we fly around in our saucy saucer we see ethanol plants being built across your planet's plains. You will soon learn that corn ethanol is not green-friendly when you account for the entire cycle of clearing land, growing crops, using petroleum products to fertilize it and harvest it, and then using traditional energy to make ethanol from corn. And

Zork Green Tip 6 - Carpool, Didiots

Earthlings, we have traveled through millions of galaxies. We have seen billions of planets. No, Earthlings, you are not alone. What is truly amazing, is the level of Didiots on this planet when it comes to driving.

Why do you drive alone? When we entered the atmosphere and hovered above Texas towns like Stephenville, even our son Zorkey made an observation that rings so true we could not answer it. Zorkey asked us why so many Earthlings drive alone in their cars, trucks, and SUVs.

Earthlings, Meera and I have always had an answer for any question our son Zorkey asked us. We are embarrassed to admit, that despite having super intelligence which few species in the billions of galaxies can match, we were befuddled, stumped and silenced. Our son Zorkey was shocked when he heard us say, "We do not know, it is illogical."

Why do so many didiot Earthlings drive large vehicles alone? Why do you not share or carpool? We offer you these tips to carpool.

5 Stellar Reasons to Carpool:

1. Save the planet. Carpool to use less gas and reduce your carbon emissions.

2. Buy less gas for your car. This saves you money and saves the Earth's natural resources.

Zork Green Tip 5 - Bike, Monsier

Earthlings, if you are too lazy to walk, we offer you an alternative green technology called a bicycle. Humans should ride everywhere on their bikes. The new fashion trend is riding bikes, especially since gas is nearly $4 per gallon.

5 beautiful reasons to ride a bike:

1. Save the planet. Your average vehicle produces 8 tons of carbon dioxide (20 tons per person) each year and burns 650 gallons of gasoline. We see you and we know that half of your car trips are less than five miles. You can easily use a bike for these trips and reduce your carbon output.  

2. Find love. What better way to impress a potential mate than riding a bike to your date? Trust us, Earthlings. We have been on many galactic travels and we have seen other species use bikes to impress their dates on planets a million years away. It works!

Imagine riding up to a fancy restaurant on your bicycle, while other Didiot Earthlings do the same old boring thing and drive up in their Ferraris. We guarantee your date

Zork's Green Tip 3 - Walk, Didiot

Earthling, we have come across revolutionary green technology on Planet Earth that is underutilized by humans every day. It is not wind, solar or biodiesel. This technology is human powered and it is called "walking."

Walking is one of the best things you can do for your planet and yourself. Walking reduces pollution, saves gas, and cuts back on carbon dioxide output.

Humans are lazy when it comes to walking. We have seen Earthlings fight over parking spots only to avoid twenty yards of healthy walking. This is not logical to us. Why is it such a big deal to walk? Flying around the planet in our saucy saucer, we see some countries using walking as the primary means of transportation.

Some countries use more energy than they should. American Earthlings represent 3% of the population but use 25% of the energy. American Earthlings spend too much time driving, and