It's the Planet, Didiot!

Zork Green Tip 30 - Adjust Your Thermostat

Earthling, I have to confess that even after being married to Meera for more than 1,578 years, every time I see her in her sexy outfit, my body temperature goes way, way, way up. 

My Didiot brother-in-law, Drauk, is in heat 24/7. His thermostat has been out of control since the night our saucy saucer was shot down on your planet. Meera cannot stop her brother from chasing what he calls “bodacious” babes. Beware, female Earthlings, Drauk may be around the corner!

Another type of thermostat is very important to the well-being of your planet and the financial health of your wallet. The thermostat in your dwelling and your business should be your best friend – not your Earthling pet dog.

Can your dog save you money? Can man’s best friend help save the planet? We think not, despite the fact that dogs are Earthlings too. The thermostat in your house or business will save you money and reduce the global carbon footprint of your beautiful planet.

Zork Green Tip 25 - Winkie Meister makes the biggest carbon footprint on the Earth

My name is Drauk. I am Zork’s single brother-in-law. Zork has been unable to repair our saucy saucer's intergalactic power booster, which would enable us to escape the gravitational forces of your planet and travel through space at hyperspeed.  That is great news for me because I find female Earthlings hot, gorgeous and beautiful.

Dude, finally, I get a chance to write a green tip. I read Zork and Meera’s green and frugal tips over the last three months and they are highly education-licious. However they missed the most obvious green tip to stop global climate change, pollution and improve the health of the entire planet.

Earthlings, if you are going to stop pollution and climate change you must STOP Winkie Meister first. He is the sole cause of overpopulation which is one of the primary causes of global climate change.

Zork would not understand because he is not cool, hip, handsome and happening like me. Zork might be 100 times smarter than me due to a genetic malfunction during birth but I don’t mind because I am 100 times better looking.

Winkie Meister has no brains. He acts purely on impulse. That is the problem with your planet. Your have Winkie Meisters running around like chickens with their heads cut off, looking for entertainment without thinking through the consequences of their actions.

Winkie Meister has caused population growth over the last hundred years unprecedented in the history of humanity. During the twentieth century, more humans were born than in all previous human history.

In 1800, there were 1 billion of you people. In 1900, there were 1.6 billion. In 1950, you started acting like rabbits and there were 2.5 billion Earthlings. Today, there is a whopping 6 billion plus! Something has to give, my Earthling bunnies.

Zork Green Tip 20 - Ride a Vespa

Earthling, we were hovering in our saucy saucer above beautiful Rome two nights ago, famous galaxy-wide for its fashion and food. We noticed many people praying about the Italy futebol game against Romania. The Italians prayers were answered when goalkeeper Buffon saved a penalty kick against Romanian forward Mutu.

Italy was at the point of being knocked out of the Euro 2008 when Buffon dove to his left to save the penalty with his hand and his foot.

Even our pet Dinky was impressed with the quick, cat-dog like reflexes of Buffon. We heard all of the humans in Italy sighed with relief when Italy managed to tie with Romania and later qualified for quarterfinals after knocking out the French.

Futebol is the most popular sport on planet Earth. Human, if you have not heard of the Euro 2008, then you must be an alien. You do not have to like the sport, but one thing we have learned being on the planet for a very short time is that this Earthling sport unites all races, cultures and countries in harmony.

We saw many Italians zipping happily around on cute, trendy motorcycles called Vespas as Italy celebrated its survival in their Group of Death and qualification for the quarterfinals against Spain.

What if every human on this planet rode a Vespa and there were no gas guzzling SUVs or trucks? The energy crisis would be substantially reduced, and the human race would be that much more hip to the rest

Zork Green Tip 17 - Plant a Garden: Best Way to Eat Local

The best way to be really green is to get a green thumb like us. We alien males actually have three green thumbs (our females have four) and hopefully one day, a million years from now, you will also have three green thumbs. In the meantime, Earthling, one green thumb will be sufficient for you to eat healthy and green.

Earthling, please do not be a Didiot. Reduce your carbon footprint by eating local, right out of your own back yard.

With our green thumbs, growing a green garden is not a problem. But humans, having evolved to live in the cities, have become Didiots about growing fruits and vegetables.

Any human can plant a garden if they try. It is in your genetic DNA to plant gardens. Gardening is a fun thing to do with the family or on a date. What better way to impress your date or mate than showing them your garden? We see male humans spending money on clothes and fancy cars to pick up chicks. All this is not necessary. Trust us. We know.

What line do you think will help you find a female Earthlings?

Line 1: Hey Baby, do you want to take ride in my Ferrari?

Line 2: Hey Baby, want to check out my garden I have made?

Well, of course, it would be line 2. We do not understand why any female Earthling would want to go out with a guy in a

Zork Green Tip 14 - Turn Off the Lights

Earthlings, there is one thing you can do to help save planet Earth, be green like us and not lift more than your little finger. Even I have learned to do it, and I only have two fingers and one thumb.

Actually my three fingers can act either as fingers or as thumbs at any point in time. We do not understand why humans require four fingers plus a thumb, but that is beside the point.

The point is, Earthlings, if you want an easy way to be green then all you have to do is turn off your lights. It is not hard, humans. Every time you see lights on and if you are not using them, simply turn them off. If you will be out of a room for longer than 30 seconds, turn off the lights.

Why do Earthlings have night lights? We hear night lights are a must in case an Earthling awakes in the middle of the night and needs to go to the restroom. There is no need for this kind of energy draining, Didiot-like behavior. Humans, you may think one simple little night light cannot do any harm, but if you consider it in large numbers, it is a different story.

The story here is really that your little pinky can make a huge difference for the environment if you make your pinky a green pinky. We have heard Earthlings use the phrase "green thumb" for humans with the ability to grow vegetation.

Why not use the phrase "green pinky" to characterize humans who are ready, willing and able to use their little pinky to turn off unused lights?