Earthlings, we see how you drive. In all our intergalactic travels, we have never seen a species drive their vehicles, travel pods or space ships as rudely, obnoxiously, aggressively and as moronic as you. We assume it is due to aggressive video games that have you drive like Didiots in order to rack up points. Earthlings, when you drive in real life, please do not think you are playing Grand Theft Auto.
Driving fast hurts this beautiful planet. The only thing you rack up is higher carbon dioxide emissions. Plus you are wasting fuel and look like a Didiot. It befuddles us to see an Earthling drive like crazy through traffic only to see them stopped at a red light. Every time you put the metal to the pedal, you are burning up your hard-earned money.
Do not drive like a Didiot. We know it is common sense, but we offer you the following tips to save gas and your planet as you drive:
Tip 1: Combine your trips, Earthling. We are amused when we see you go to the store to buy a few items only to go back to the store a few more times in the same day. It is not rocket science to plan your shopping trip for once or twice per week. Your goal is to drive the shortest number of miles possible. Combine various types of activities in one trip. For example, plan a trip to the hair stylist, dry cleaner and grocery store on the same drive. If you are going on a date, combine this with driving to the health club beforehand. We understand humans' muscles are pumped up after exercise, so this will help you look more attractive to your date.
Tip 2: No extra junk in your trunk. We are amazed how many Didiots drive around with a trunk full of junk. Golf clubs, newspaper, clothes and books are driven around in trunks as if they are paying passengers. Extra weight means lower mpg.
Tip 3: Slow down, Didiot. This tip is the best to conserve gas, but most likely the hardest one for Earthlings to do.
Earthlings, if you drive a typical car, every 10 miles per hour you drive over 60 is like the price of gasoline going up about 54 cents a gallon. Air pushing against the front of your car as you drive along the highway takes up to 40% of your car's energy, according to Roger Clark, a fuel economy engineer for General Motors.* The faster you drive, the more air builds up in front and the "hole" trailing behind gets bigger, too. This creates a massive suction which pulls harder on your car the faster you go. This suction increases exponentially, so the wind resistance at 70 to 80 is much steeper than between 50 and 60 mph.
This means that every 10 mph faster lowers your fuel economy by 4 mpg, whether you are driving a Mini Cooper or a Hummer.
Tip 4: Earthlings, if you need to get your aggression out, drive bumper cars. Please do not act like you are in a bumper car in traffic.
Earthlings, we beg you to slow down to save your planet. Next
time you
see some Didiot driving aggressively and pressuring you
to speed up just say to yourself, "I
slow down... I save the planet." Do not let that tailgating Didiot
cause you to increase your CO2 output and spend more
of your
hard-earned money on gasoline.
*Slow Down a Little, Save a Lot of Gas, by Peter Valdes-Dapena, April 1, 2008.
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