It's the Planet, Didiot!: Zork's Green Tip 2

Earthling, without trees, there would be no way for you to breathe and live on this planet. Every time you chop down a tree, you are actually cutting off your oxygen supply. Why does your species keep murdering them?

You learned the value of trees and the reason for their Earthly existence in grade school. As you grow older, a very high percentage of you become Didiots. We are befuddled when we see adult Earthlings clearing out land and chopping down trees. This tree-killing disease is rampant all across your planet. Every year, the area of trees destroyed equals the size of Portugal.

Where is Portugal? It is located in Europe and its neighbor is Spain. Portugal is well known for playing the most recognized Earthling sport on the planet, futbol (soccer).

Earthling reader, we are crazy about this human game, futbol. We saw on the Fox Soccer Channel, that Portugal will most likely have its Cristiano Ronoldo nominated as the best player in the world, based on his

intergalactic, spectacular play at Manchester United. We hope one day Ronaldo wears a shirt beneath his Manchester uniform that states, "Earthlings, Plant a Tree, Save the Planet."

Portugal's area is 35,580 square miles (92,345 square kilometers). Earthlings, that is how many trees you kill every year. We are aliens, but we cannot understand this cruelty. We suggest you visit Portugal to realize how many beautiful trees Earthlings kill every year. You might be so disgusted you puke bodily fluid out of your mouth, so when you travel to Portugal please bring a paper bag. Make sure you bring a recyclable bag.

Earthling, be green like us and plant a tree in your yard, your community, your state, your country. Replenish your oxygen supply. I, Zork Brauk, authorize you to name the tree Zork Brauk's Tree. This may prevent tree-killer Earthlings from messing with the tree, because they might be afraid I will abduct them for their evil tree deeds. We are friendly aliens but we are out of patience with Didiot Earthlings who kill trees.

10 vital reasons to plant a tree:

1. Trees prevent erosion of your topsoil so you can grow crops and feed all Earthlings.

2. Some trees make food. Do you realize apples, peaches, lemons, avocado and other yummy and healthy menu items grow on trees? If you do not believe us, visit your local grocery store.

3. Homes for your animal friends. Animals are Earthlings, too! Many birds and other animals would be quickly eaten by their higher-ups on the Earthly food chain without the safety trees provide.

4. Human habitat landscaping. How would your dwelling look without beautiful trees in the yard? Ugly. And without trees your yard would erode and look horrific.

5. Trees are beautiful to draw. Many young artists learn to draw by sketching trees.

6. Exercise. Trees provide fun, free entertainment and exercise when young Earthlings climb them. Did you ever have a tree house? It is not too late.

7. Trees lower your energy bills. A shade tree over your dwelling provides shade, which lowers the temperature, and lowers your electricity bills.

8. Trees make many necessary products for humans. Trees are a valuable renewable resource which provides wood for building, furniture and paper. However, Earthlings are using too much wood and not replenishing the trees fast enough. Please recycle paper and look for alternatives to wood for building. They are out there.

9. Trees are an important part of Earthling history and lore. Remember Adam and Eve and the tree of knowledge? The Christmas tree? Little Red Riding Hood would not be a story without a forest. No forest, no sly wolf.

10. Most important, trees transform carbon dioxide into precious oxygen for all Earthlings to breath.

Earthlings, we are able to communicate with trees because we are one million years more advanced than you. Your trees tell us they are sad that humans murder them, because they do so much for humans. We watched your movie, Lord of the Rings. If you have not seen this film (then you must be an alien), the trees band together with humans to overtake the evil forces. Warning, Earthlings. If you do not stop killing trees, they will unite and stop making oxygen for you. What will you do then?

Plant a tree today. Do it now. Don't be a Didiot. Be green like us.