Zork Green Tip 16 - Print Less, Use Less Paper

Earthling, why do humans print so much paper? We crunched our nanocomputers and came to the conclusion that paper is not necessary if you are going to move forward into the digital age. Hopefully one day, a million years from now, you will become super intelligent and advanced like us.

On our planet, we stopped printing paper millenniums ago. Everything is digitally stored on our nanocomputers. Most of your paper is made from trees. Trees make oxygen for you to breathe, remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and create shade.

Earthling, every time you print something on paper, remember you are printing on a dead species called trees. Trees are Earthlings too.  

How would you feel if you were killed for the purpose of being converted into a printed paper such as some mindless catalog that comes to some human's mailbox, unsolicited only to be thrown into the trashcan? Would this be the intent and purpose of your life and destiny?

Each year, every human in the U.S. creates 560 tons of waste paper. And the entire country produces a total of 78 million tons per year.

Every ton of paper you recycle saves: 17 trees, 4200 kilowatt hours of electricity, 7000 gallons of water, and 3 cubic yards of landfill space. Plus, 60 pounds of effluents are not emitted into the air.*

Do you think trees want to grow high up in the air for the purpose of being converted into 24# paper? We think not. We know trees are not happy with Earthlings. We have the ability to communicate with trees and other species on this planet by means of brain waves.

6 Simple ways to stop being in the paper printing business:

1. Email instead of Snail Mail. Stop all direct mail to your dwelling. Why get a bank statement mailed to your house, and run the jeopardy of it being stolen from your mailbox? Have your statement sent to you digitally in your email box.

2. E-Card instead of Printed Card. Stop sending paper-based greeting cards to your honey, family and friends. It is better to send a digital card than purchase a card from a store. Why waste gas and create pollution driving to the store, buying a paper-based card, putting a postage stamp on it, having the card sent by the postal office to the intended home, only to have the recipient read the card and then throw it in the trash? Earthling, be honest with yourself. How many birthday cards have you kept? Besides, why would you keep cards that remind you of your age? If you have a party, please use something like Evite instead of mailing paper invitations.

3. Stop CYA. Earthling, unless you are an attorney, there is no need to cover your rear behind by printing all your work on paper for filing or to shred. Shredders waste electricity. We are befuddled. We see humans take so much time during work printing paper from their computers just to cover their rear behind. Instead of printing, keep it on your computer. Be sure to back up your computer once per day or once per week. If you have to cover your rear behind to keep your job then you have a bigger problem at hand.

4. Stop Paper Newspaper and Magazine Subscriptions. Earthling, if you are not fully aware, there is a digital information superhighway you can access to get all kinds of information without the need to hold a newspaper in your hands and get them dirty from the ink. When it comes to information, entertainment an interaction, paper cannot compete against your Internet.

5. Stop Taking Paper Bags from the Grocery Store. There is no need to carry your groceries in the paper bags when you can bring your own cloth bag to carry products. You can get a cute Zork bag from The Didiot Store. Use it to be green like me.

6. Stop Drinking Starbucks from a Paper, Styrofoam-Based Cup with a Cardboard Sleeve. Stop the waste. Earthling, take your own reusable ceramic cup to Starbucks. They will fill it with coffee for you to drink. Beautiful Zork coffee cups are available at The Didiot Store. Use your to be green like me.

Earthlings, we love trees. They are peaceful and nice. Trees do not hurt humans and we do not understand why humans love to kill trees. See the beautiful trees in these pictures? Remember, when you print, you are killing trees.

There is one reason we will allow you, Earthling, to use paper without any guilt. You may use it for toilet paper. But that is as far as being paper guilt-free as you can be. Make sure you count the number of sections when using it. It is not logical to use more than you need.

If you must use paper RECYCLE, DIDIOTS!

Print less, use less paper, count your TP squares and be green like me.

*Katherine Guerin, executive director of the Maine Resource Recovery Association, http://www.forestecologynetwork.org/joyce.htm

Comments

[Cats]

Excellent article and blog. The need is indeed for a greener planet for us all. Thanks for this great site and all the wonderful green tips :)

[Zork]

Thanks, Cats for the compliment. We love you CATS blog too! Great pictures of all kinds of large cats.

[eastcoastlife]

I guess when a country is more developed, it tends to use up more natural resources and create problems for the future generations. My country Singapore is guilty of that. :(

Thanks for your prayers, my son has been discharged from hospital this afternoon. :)

[Lydia]

I agree that we should use FAR less paper, but what about books? There's nothing better than a good ole REAL book...

[Zork]

Earthling, Lydia,
We love books. We have not seen books on our planet for eons. They are primitive, but sometimes human eyeballs get tired of staring at computer screens.

Be green with books by borrowing from your library, or reading used books whenever possible. Trade books with friends or purchase at used book stores. Sell your old books so others may read them. This will help save additional trees from being chopped down to create new books.

You can also read magazines at the library. Share magazines and newspapers with other humans. Please recycle all of your newspapers and magazines.

Zork out!

[Lydia]

Ok. I enjoy reading older, more-ragged books anyhow. Besides, even if I wanted to purchase new books myself, I couldn't afford it.. :]