Earthlings, since the moment we crashed on your planet we warned you, we told you and some of you listened. The world is in a global recession. Now you finally get it.
A year ago, we were zipping through the solar system. We were on our way to Meera’s cousin’s wedding in another sector of the galaxy, when we decided to show our son Zorkey a close view of the beautiful blue planet Earth. Close it was. We were shot down over Stephenville, Texas by Bubba. Because Bubba damaged our intergalactic power booster, we have become entrepreneur bloggers, trying to earn enough money to fix our damaged saucy saucer.
We observed humans living it up last year. They were living large, spending like there was no tomorrow. We began writing about America and the rest of the planet going into recession. We are an intelligent species, one million times smarter than you, but we cannot understand how governments on this planet did not see it coming. We are not conspiracy theorists but find it odd that nearly one year later, Earthling American government finally admitted that United States and the entire Earth is going deep into recession. What were they hiding?
Human, recession is good for the green movement.
We scratch our heads at the economic theories which drive your economy. Earthlings, we have traveled the galaxy for millions of years, and have observed these economic principles on backward-type planets across the galaxy. The economics on your planet are based on consumption and more consumption.
Humans love to use the term GDP. How many people really understand this term? According to Wikipedia:
The gross domestic product (GDP) or gross domestic income (GDI) is one of the measures of national income and input for a given country's economy. GDP is defined as the total cost of all completed goods and services produced within the country in a stipulated period of time (usually a 365-day year). It is sometimes regarded as the sum of profits added at every level of production (the intermediate stages) of all final goods and services produced within a country in a stipulated time frame, and it is rarely given a monetary value.
The most common approach to measuring and quantifying GDP is the expenditure method:
GDP
= consumption + gross investment + government spending + (exports −
imports), or,
GDP = C + I + G + (X-M).
Recession is a term no human wants to hear. In economics, the term recession generally describes the reduction of a country's gross domestic product (GDP) for at least two quarters. The usual dictionary definition is "a period of reduced economic activity", a business cycle contraction.
The United States-based National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) defines economic recession as: "a significant decline in [the] economic activity spread across the economy, lasting more than a few months, normally visible in real GDP growth, real personal income, employment (non-farm payrolls), industrial production, and wholesale-retail sales."
Earthlings, consumption, growth and production drives your world. We are befuddled to see humans purchasing so many types of products they truly do not need. Perhaps your economic model of consuming and spending is centered around the wrong economic principles?
But now that Bubba has stopped buying all kinds of crap at Wal-Mart, it appears that the entire world is coming down to a crawl. Earthling Americans are spending less and this is causing the demand for all kind of products to slow down or disappear. The result is loss of jobs across the world, especially China.
100,000 factories closed in China last year. Earthlings, what were all these factories making before they closed? They were making products Earthlings really do not need. Look inside the average American Earthling garage and you will see many products sitting unused and covered with dust. Why are these products in the garage? We do not understand the human propensity to consume with total disregard for your environment and your beautiful planet.
Why would any Earthling buy the following products? We do not understand. Why would any Earthling make these products? What would possess a human to do so is beyond are intergalactic super powerful brains to understand.
Top
5 Didiot Products! 
#5.
The Hillary Clinton Nutcracker.
Being aliens we can transform our heads into any shape we want so we
have no need for a nutcracker. Nuts
are a healthy snack. You can simply break them open with a hammer if
you do not already own a nut cracker. We are one million years more
evolved than humans, however we do not understand why Hillary would be
used as a nutcracker because from our observations of humans females do
not have nuts.
#4. Nose Pencil Sharpener. This is a pencil sharpener shaped like a
human nose. Poke the pencil into the nostril to sharpen. We aliens can
actually do this with our own noses, thank you. And I am sure you
already own or have access to a pencil sharpener or pocket knife which
can sharpen you pencils. Who uses pencils anyway? Humans please do not
waste your money on such a silly item.
#3.
USB Pole
Dancer. Even my single (and very lonely) brother-in-law Drauk who is
obsessed with human females think this is a Didiot product. If you were
Didiot enough to purchase one of these, then you would plug this
product into the USB port of your
computer and watch her spin around her pole, with colorful lights on a
flashing platform. This is not even an actual human woman, but a very
poor replica. We realize that you can plug in your iPod and play music
through her
built-in speaker (note: that is one speaker). However we we are certain you do not need this waste of
plastic and packaging and already own better speakers or headphones. If you need a female to dance around the pole, we suggest you ask a real girlfriend or wife if she is willing.
#2. Monthly Doos Calendar. This calendar features a photo every month
of dog poos. We think this is a great way to recycle the poo, however we
do not agree with using paper calendars unless they are on recycled
paper. Trees are too valuable to waste on making dog poo calendars. Poo may also be used to fertilize your natural, organic garden. We poo, the creators of this poo calendar poo for wasting our nature's natural resources to give us poo pictures.
Recession is good for your environment and the green revolution. Earthlings are driving less and spending less, not by intent but by necessity. Even if you are not a tree lover like us, we see you consuming less. And when you consume less, you are using less of the planet’s resources. This is common sense Earthling.
Spending less means driving less. Less gasoline is shipped across the country in tankers causing pollution and burning more fuel. You personally are using less fuel and producing less pollution. Purchasing less causes less pollution from those factories and less trash in our landfills.
You are becoming green like us. Humans are saving the planet because their wallets are heavy with credit card burden and low on cash. We do not like the fact that you are loaded with debt because the Wall Street "suits" have ruined it for the average Earthling, but please congratulate yourself for becoming more green.
We pronounced 2009 as the Year of Frugality which ironically makes it also the Year of Greenality. A frugal human is a green human, whether they like it or not. Even Bubba, who does not care much about environment, is being green, whether he knows it or not.
The only question to ponder is whether planet Earth will dive into depression due to all the financial mess created by Wall Street suits. No worry humans. We also own the domain, itsthedepressiondidiot.com just in case.
Great article. We need to stop worrying about the recession and focus on the bigger picture. Our planet is in peril! And recession actually is good for the environment. Thanks for bringing up this topic, Zork!
Posted by: DH | January 26, 2009 at 11:26 AM
We need to stop buying crap at Walmart made in China! How on Earth can we change our country so we aren't depending on consumption of junk?
Posted by: Sammy | January 26, 2009 at 11:28 AM