It's the Planet, Didiot!: Zork Green Tip 30

Earthling, I have to confess that even after being married to Meera for more than 1,578 years, every time I see her in her sexy outfit, my body temperature goes way, way, way up.

My Didiot brother-in-law, Drauk, is in heat 24/7. His thermostat has been out of control since the night our saucy saucer was shot down on your planet. Meera cannot stop her brother from chasing what he calls “bodacious” babes. Beware, female Earthlings, Drauk may be around the corner!

Another type of thermostat is very important to the well-being of your planet and the financial health of your wallet. The thermostat in your dwelling and your business should be your best friend – not your Earthling pet dog.

Can your dog save you money? Can man’s best friend help save the planet? We think not, despite the fact that dogs are Earthlings too. The thermostat in your house or business will save you money and reduce the global carbon footprint of your beautiful planet.

Beware Earthling:

Heating and cooling your dwelling uses more energy and drains more energy dollars than any other system in your home.
45% of your utility bill goes to heating and cooling.
150 million tons of CO2 are emitted into your atmosphere each year by heating and cooling systems in the U.S., adding to global climate change.
Heating and cooling systems in the U.S. generate 12% of the nation’s sulfur dioxide and 4% of the nitrogen oxides, the chief ingredients in acid rain.

We are befuddled why humans run their air conditioning systems low in the summer and their heating systems high in the winter.

Save up to 10% a year on heating and cooling bills by simply turning the thermostat back 10% to 15% for 8 hours each day.

In summer, save 6% on your energy bill for each degree your raise your thermostat. Set your thermostat at 78°F in summer for the perfect balance between energy savings and comfort.

In winter, save 3% on your energy bill for each degree you lower your thermostat, no matter what type of heating system you have. Cut your dwelling's heating bill by 15% by lowering your thermostat by 5°F.

Human, you will not sweat or freeze to death. If you change the thermostat settings, you can still be comfortable by changing your personal fashion.

This is the 21^st century. You do not need to wear so many clothes on your body in the summer. Have you seen Star Trek? (If you have not, you must be an alien.) Future Earthling fashions are shown on this television show. Just like Motorola developed a flip phone based on the Star Trek design, we expect that, not in the too distant future, humans will all wear Star Trek type leotards. They are comfortable and show off your human body so the opposite sex can see quickly whether they wish to mate with you.

Why do male humans wear suits and ties to their offices in summers? We do not even wear clothes on our planet. We understand humans cannot go to work without clothing covering their bodies, but in order to keep those thermostats at work or home using less energy, wear less or more clothes depending on the season.

In summer, wear your jeans and T-shirt to work until that Star Trek revolutionary fashion statement finally arrives. If you do not have cool T-shirts, get some organic ones from our Didiot Store.

In winter, wear your jeans and sweatshirts to work until that Star Trek revolutionary fashion statement arrives. If you do not have cool sweatshirts, get organic ones from our Didiot Store.

Please tell others to turn their thermostat down too. This is a very simple request which even a Didiot Earthling can do.

There is no need to ever visit the North Pole or South Pole. Why? Because the North Pole is just around the corner from you. Visit your local Starbucks coffee shop and stay inside for 15 minutes. We promise you will freeze. We love Starbucks coffee but do not understand why every one of their stores is so cold. Why does Starbucks waste so much energy to keep their stores feel like a North Pole?

Fan your fanny. Instead of lowering the thermostat at home in summer, fan yourself with a fan. Make it a fun game with your spouse or friend and fan each other's fanny for entertainment while saving the planet. Who knows where that may lead? (See UFO Recession Tip 64: Fan Your Fanny)

K.I.S.D. (Keep it Simple, Didiot) For Didiot Earthlings to remember this simple rule:

1: Summer = Keep your thermostat at 78 degrees.

2: Winter = Keep your thermostat at 68 degrees

3: Lowering your thermostat two degrees in winter prevents 500 pounds of CO2 from entering your atmosphere. Increasing your thermostat two degrees in the summer helps even more.

We hope that we did not make thermostat caring a rocket science. Now, go and fan your honey’s fanny.