It's the Planet, Didiot!: Zork Green Tip 26

Green Your Politician Earthling! We do not understand the concept of "brown-nosing" politics on your planet. Since our saucy saucer was shot down by “Bubba” in Stephenville, Texas, we have not been able to escape the hoopla and circus of Campaign 2008 in what you call America.

My glorious stars, we have never seen so many promises made in such a short amount of time. We have been entertained by both Democrats and Republicans but to us they seem very much alike. Despite being millions of years more advanced than you, we just do not understand human politics. Why are Earthing politicians such brown-nosers? Do Earthlings really believe what they say?

Why do American Earthlings believe President George W. Bush Jr. will take care of the environment in America?

URGENT WARNING: Human, the Bush administration is providing very little time for public comment as it eases rules protecting your endangered animal species. The Interior Department (I guess they do interior decorating of the American landscape) is giving American humans only 30-days to comment on a Bush Administration proposal that will allow federal agencies approving or funding dams, highways and other projects to decide themselves, without input from government experts, whether endangered species are likely to be harmed?

We are befuddled why President Bush would want to do this before he leaves the office. From what we know, Bush is a generic name for particular plants. Why is he not green like us? It is the only way to be. What is the big hurry Mr. Bush?

Human, we see a pattern in your political process. Correct us if we are wrong. From our observations, the following steps are critical to being a successful politician on your planet:

Step 1: Money makes your planet go around and the primary job of a politician is to raise capital for their campaign. Obviously, the easiest way to raise money is to have financial help from special interest groups called lobbyists. From what we see, these lobbyists do not wait in the lobby to talk to a politician.

We see lobbyists contributing money to politician’s campaigns, taking them to dinner or lunch to discuss important matters that matter to clients the lobbyists represent. We have counted more than 29,000 lobbyists running around Capitol Hill. We do not understand what kind of hill but that is a lot of people sitting around, basking in the sun, doing nothing except sniff and kiss each others rear behinds.

Step 2: Politicians use the money they get from special interest groups to run for office and represent the “people” while getting advice from their political advisors, who just happen to represent special interest groups that do nothing except sniff and kiss each others rear behinds.

Step 3: Politicians use millions of dollars raised by special interest groups to advertise against their “opponent” promoting the special interest message as their own and part of their "bigger scheme" of things.

Step 4: The politicians make promises they cannot deliver. This is illogical.

Yes, our planet has politicians too. They are part-time because we do not allow them to spend days and months writing bills that amount to no result, taking vacations on taxpayer's dollars or just running around the premises sniffing and kissing each others rears.

Politics without results is illogical to us but we see that it is quite acceptable on planet earth. Politics is the problem with the environment on your beautiful planet. We do not understand why there are Democrats or Republicans when Americans are all humans.

Human, we are just simple, friendly, green aliens, and for the stars of us, we do not understand why politicians cannot execute on their promises.

Why do you use a donkey and an elephant for your political party symbols? Is it because they are stubborn like donkeys or blundering like elephants?

Why do politicians like to go to war? We are befuddled why American Earthlings are fighting in Iraq.

America is spending $10 billion per month fighting in Iraq. This could total $3 trillion dollars.

America should have used that money on making every earthling green like us. Please correct us if our logic is flawed.

There was one other civilization on your planet with a similar pattern to America. That civilization was the Roman Empire. Hovering over the city of Rome in our saucy saucer the other night, we found it charming. From what we learned, the Roman Empire self destructed because its politicians made decisions that were not in the interest of the people. We see the same pattern with humans in America and other parts of the Earth.

Earthling, please take no offense to the fact that we are smarter than you. Trust us, even if we are aliens. Your beautiful planet will go down the toilet unless you take the time to make a difference -- one person at a time. This is the magic of the Zork Revolution. Every human has the opportunity to make a difference. It is not too late but we must act on it.

Contact your local politician and tell them about Zork Planet. Ask them to be green like you and I. You only have one planet.

Send President Bush a can of green paint before he leaves the office. That is the correct and nice thing to do.

Earthling, believe us, you live on a beautiful planet, and those are very rare. We love planet Earth and would love to see humans keep it beautiful for millenniums to come.

We apologize for writing an article about politics. We have been warned that it is not polite to discuss politics amongst friends but something has to be done about your politicians. The best thing to do is ask them to be green like us. If necessary, we’ll send you some green paint.