It's the Planet, Didiot!: Zork Green Tip 25 - Winkie Meister makes the biggest carbon footprint on the Earth

My name is Drauk. I am Zork’s single brother-in-law. Zork has been unable to repair our saucy saucer's intergalactic power booster, which would enable us to escape the gravitational forces of your planet and travel through space at hyperspeed. That is great news for me because I find female Earthlings hot, gorgeous and beautiful.

Dude, finally, I get a chance to write a green tip. I read Zork and Meera’s green and frugal tips over the last three months and they are highly education-licious. However they missed the most obvious green tip to stop global climate change, pollution and improve the health of the entire planet.

Earthlings, if you are going to stop pollution and climate change you must STOP Winkie Meister first. He is the sole cause of overpopulation which is one of the primary causes of global climate change.

Zork would not understand because he is not cool, hip, handsome and happening like me. Zork might be 100 times smarter than me due to a genetic malfunction during birth but I don’t mind because I am 100 times better looking.

Winkie Meister has no brains. He acts purely on impulse. That is the problem with your planet. Your have Winkie Meisters running around like chickens with their heads cut off, looking for entertainment without thinking through the consequences of their actions.

Winkie Meister has caused population growth over the last hundred years unprecedented in the history of humanity. During the twentieth century, more humans were born than in all previous human history.

In 1800, there were 1 billion of you people. In 1900, there were 1.6 billion. In 1950, you started acting like rabbits and there were 2.5 billion Earthlings. Today, there is a whopping 6 billion plus! Something has to give, my Earthling bunnies.

Everything on this planet revolves around the Winkie Meister. Earthling, think about all the products manufactured and transported across your planet, creating one enormous carbon footprint for Winkie Meister. My alien logic is logical:

The Alcohol industry is a $200 billion per year business on your planet. Alcohol is Winkie Meister’s best friend. Beer, wine, rum, brandy, vodka, tequila and many other fine drinks were designed to keep Winkie Meister loose and happy, ready to engage. It has no effect on us aliens, but I have had the enormous pleasure to witness human female inhibitions lowered thanks to alcoholic concoctions.

The Jewelry industry is a $180 billion per year business on your planet. A diamond is a human female’s best friend. Winkie Meister is fully aware of this. A diamond is forever, only as long as Winkie Meister is happy. Jewelry was designed to help Winkie Meister be winkie because both female and male Earthlings love jewelry or “bling”. (Diamonds are not good for the Earth.)

The Fashion industry is a $450 billion per year business on the planet Earth. On Zork Planet, we do not understand the concept of fashion, because we have evolved beyond wearing clothing. On your planet, fashion changes so quickly that it makes my head spin.

I am growing to like Earthly fashion due to the fact it is driven by beautiful and bodacious babes walking on the runways. Earthling females wear sexy fashions to attract Winkie Meister. Winkie Meister knows that if he is dressed in style he is more likely to meet the right female human. Fashion is key to the entire mating process. If you want to stop Winkey Meister, keep your clothing on your body, and do not purchase clothing for one year.

The Floral industry is a $49 billion per year business on your planet. Winkey Meister knows when a female human receives flowers, she is often receptive to him. Do not allow Winkey Meister to send flowers to any living female who is not a relative.

The Auto industry is a $1.2 trillion+ per year business. There will be over 1 billion autos on the roads of Earth by 2011. 72 million autos were sold globally in 2008. Winkie Meister knows that driving a Ferrari is a great way to meet Earthling babes. There is a simple rule: the hotter the car, the hotter the chicks attracted to it. Do not let Winkie Meister drive a Ferrari. Ferrari’s are not good for the Earth due to their low mileage per gallon of gasoline.

The Restaurant industry is a $537 billion per year business in the U.S. Humans love to dine at restaurants prior to letting Winkie Meister out to dance. Based on my alien calculations, more than 50% of all restaurant revenue is purely to please Winkie Meister.

The International Travel industry is a $650 billion per year business across your planet. What better way to have fun than on the beach with Winkie Meister with less clothing and hot, bodacious babes?

Health Club’s are a $15.9 billion per year business in the U.S. Winkie Meister is obsessed with staying fit because that is a key factors in finding the right female. Female humans are obsessed with having toned bodies in order to attract the right Winkie Meister.

Beauty is a $300 billion industry on Earth. Winkie Meister loves beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but do not tell that to a female Earthling. Females are obsessed with makeup, lip gloss, hair, etc. in order to lure Winkie Meister.

Deodorant is a $4.9 billion industry on this planet. Earthlings have an odd odor to their bodies and Winkie Meister must have a pleasant aroma if he is to have some action.

Sports is a $500 billion+ industry on Earth. Winkie Miesters become athletes because they want to attract babes. No matter what anyone thinks, human athletes are not inspired by money. It is not for the money, Didiot. It is for the fame and for Winkie Meister.

Earthling, if every male human stopped having Winkie Meister activity for one year, we could stop global pollution overnight.

The money spent on all of Winkie Meister’s entertainment activities such as alcoholic beverages, fashion and jewelry could be applied to building windmills, solar farms and hydrogen stations.

I ran this simple solution by a gorgeous Earthling babe. She almost fell off the chair befuddled. I did not understand. She asked me if I, myself, was willing to stop my Winkie Meister for a year. I got the point.

The alternative solution is for Earthling couples to never have more than 2.1 children. That is the number required to attain zero population growth. Dudes, I may not be smart like Zork but this is so logical.

Earthlings would need FOUR more planet Earths if every human in the world was to reach current Unites States levels of consumption with existing technology.

If Winkie Meister continues his current population growth rate, the Earth will have 14.4 billion humans by 2050. The Earth will settle around 8.9 billion Earthlings if we can convince Winkie Meister that 2.1 is the magic formula.

Simple tips to help Winkie Meister slow down and help your planet survive:

Winkie Meister Tip #1: Teen humans should restrain from Winkie Meister activities if possible. Teen pregnancy is a big problem on this planet. Have you not seen your movie Juno?

Winkie Meister Tip #2: If Winkie Meister is active, he must wear clothing. I am befuddled why male Earthlings do not make Winkie Meister’s hood more fashionable.

Winkie Meister Tip #3: Every Earthling parent should educate their children about population growth and control so that when their children grow up, they will not have more than 2.1 children.

Winkie Meister Tip #4: Humans create 200,000 new human infants every day! Let us not forget that female Earthlings have total control of Winkie Meister. The average number of children per woman has dropped from 4.3 in 1960 to 2.6 in 2000. Human females can further change the destiny of this planet by reducing the birthrate to 2.1

Remember, be green like me and stop Winkie Meister from being a Winkie. He has no brains, that is for sure. And never allow him access to your credit cards.