It's the Planet, Didiot!

Zork Green Tip 27 - Save the Fish

Earthling, we recently visited one of your planet’s beautiful beaches. We were amazed at so many humans playing in the sand on the edge of your Pacific Ocean

We observed Earthlings of all ages standing in the shallow, cold, ocean water waves. We do not understand why humans stand for hours in the cold water. Other humans sleep in the sand for hours, reminding us of another Earthling species we had never seen before – the seal.

Naughty Drauk. My dear brother in law, Drauk, caused a commotion on the beach. He has one thing in common with Earthling dog pets. When in heat, both like to hump on a human’s leg. Drauk saw the beautiful female body vessels in bikinis and went crazy. We had to expend all or our effort stopping him from humping one of the girl’s leg.

Bikinis. Earthling, we do not understand what the big deal is about wearing bikinis. We have evolved past the need to wear clothing on our planet. We do not understand why you can wear a bikini on a beach, but not to work? Why not run in a bikini at the park? Why is it not appropriate to go to a fancy restaurant in a bikini?

Speedos. Meera was amused by Earthling males wearing tiny Speedos. We are not shy like Earthlings but even Meera was blushing after seeing hunky, young earthlings playing volleyball in Speedos.

Volleyball. Humans playing beach volleyball reminded me of seals making grunt noises playing with the ball.

Dolphins. We saw another Earthling species jumping through the water. Dolphins are humans’ best ocean friend. What a smart and beautiful animal, joyous and playful too.

Due to the simple fact that our brains are one million years more advanced than yours, we can communicate with the dolphins. They told us something disturbing. Dolphins look happy on the outside, but their hearts are full of sorrow and despair. They are sad because fish and the entire ocean ecosystems are dying due to pollution and over fishing by Didiot humans.

Here is what the dolphins told us:

Dolphin Fact #1: 90% of all sharks, tunas, cods, and other large predatory fish that once swam the oceans are gone. And their absence is causing problems throughout the ocean's food chains.

Zork Green Tip 26 - Green Your Politician

Green Your Politician Earthling! We do not understand the concept of "brown-nosing" politics on your planet. Since our saucy saucer was shot down by “Bubba” in Stephenville, Texas, we have not been able to escape the hoopla and circus of Campaign 2008 in what you call America.

My glorious stars, we have never seen so many promises made in such a short amount of time. We have been entertained by both Democrats and Republicans but to us they seem very much alike.  Despite being millions of years more advanced than you, we just do not understand human politics. Why are Earthing politicians such brown-nosers? Do Earthlings really believe what they say?

Why do American Earthlings believe President George W. Bush Jr. will take care of the environment in America?

URGENT WARNING: Human, the Bush administration is providing very little time for public comment as it eases rules protecting your endangered animal species. The Interior Department (I guess they do interior decorating of the American landscape) is giving American humans only 30-days to comment on a Bush Administration proposal that will allow federal agencies approving or funding dams, highways and other projects to decide themselves, without input from government experts, whether endangered species are likely to be harmed?

We are befuddled why President Bush would want to do this before he leaves the office. From what we know, Bush is a generic name for particular plants. Why is he not green like us? It is the only way to be. What is the big hurry Mr. Bush?

Human, we see a pattern in your political process. Correct us if we are wrong. From our observations, the following steps are critical to being a successful politician on your planet:

Step 1: Money makes your planet go around and the primary job of a politician is to raise capital for their campaign. Obviously, the easiest way to raise money is to have financial help from special interest groups called lobbyists. From what we see, these lobbyists do not wait in the lobby to talk to a politician.

We see lobbyists contributing money to politician’s campaigns, taking them to dinner or lunch to discuss important matters that matter to clients the lobbyists represent. We have counted more than 29,000 lobbyists running around Capitol Hill. We do not understand what kind of hill but that is a lot of people sitting around, basking in the sun, doing nothing except sniff and kiss each others rear behinds.

Zork Green Tip 25 - Winkie Meister makes the biggest carbon footprint on the Earth

My name is Drauk. I am Zork’s single brother-in-law. Zork has been unable to repair our saucy saucer's intergalactic power booster, which would enable us to escape the gravitational forces of your planet and travel through space at hyperspeed.  That is great news for me because I find female Earthlings hot, gorgeous and beautiful.

Dude, finally, I get a chance to write a green tip. I read Zork and Meera’s green and frugal tips over the last three months and they are highly education-licious. However they missed the most obvious green tip to stop global climate change, pollution and improve the health of the entire planet.

Earthlings, if you are going to stop pollution and climate change you must STOP Winkie Meister first. He is the sole cause of overpopulation which is one of the primary causes of global climate change.

Zork would not understand because he is not cool, hip, handsome and happening like me. Zork might be 100 times smarter than me due to a genetic malfunction during birth but I don’t mind because I am 100 times better looking.

Winkie Meister has no brains. He acts purely on impulse. That is the problem with your planet. Your have Winkie Meisters running around like chickens with their heads cut off, looking for entertainment without thinking through the consequences of their actions.

Winkie Meister has caused population growth over the last hundred years unprecedented in the history of humanity. During the twentieth century, more humans were born than in all previous human history.

In 1800, there were 1 billion of you people. In 1900, there were 1.6 billion. In 1950, you started acting like rabbits and there were 2.5 billion Earthlings. Today, there is a whopping 6 billion plus! Something has to give, my Earthling bunnies.

Zork Green Tip 22 - Zork Designer Masks

Earthlings, we thoroughly enjoyed Euro 2008. We were not the only species to experience the thrill of Planet Earth’s greatest game – futebol. We found out that the average viewing for the futebol (soccer) matches was 135 million Earthlings per game for the 31 matches. This is a total of 4.185 billion viewers for the tournament. We congratulate the Spaniards for their win.