Earthling, I took my wife Meera to a restaurant to celebrate the Zork Revolution. We are both very excited about helping Earthlings save the planet from Didiot Earthlings. When our very nice human waiter came to our table, his eyes bulged out at seeing us. I guess it was because the color of our skin is green.
Our waiter stumbled and fumbled around nervously until he asked us confidently whether we wanted to drink tap or bottled water. He turned up his nose as he mentioned the tap water, and made a very sophisticated gesture when he mentioned bottled water.
We did not understand the difference between bottled or tap. Then we discovered tap water is free while bottled water such as Evian or San Pellegrino costs $4 to $10. Since we are aliens from a distant galaxy millions years away and our intelligence is a million times superior to human species, it took us one nanosecond to make a decision to go with the tap water. The waiter did not smile after we chose the tap water, so we wondered whether he was getting commission for every bottled water sale.
Human, why do Earthlings spend so much money on bottled water when you can get it for free? This is illogical. We assumed that it is because humans want to look cool, but this makes no sense. They merely look like Didiots.
Then we learned that humans buy bottled water because they believe it is healthier. This is Didiot thinking. It has been proven by smart Earthling scientists that bottled water is not healthier for the human body or the planet. San Francisco has banned the use of bottled water because plastic bottles are a nuisance at a city dump.
Bottled Water is a huge industry.
The amount of money wasted by Earthlings on buying bottled water could
be used to plant trees. This would help ensure there will be oxygen for
every human to breathe in the future.
Earthlings have been brainwashed to believe bottled water is healthy, fun, active, and
pure. That is not
true. Bottled water companies make between $50 and $100 billion a year and the market
for bottled water is expanding by 7% each year.
Bottled water is good for the bottled water companies, but bad for the planet Earth.
4 Stellar Reasons to STOP Drinking Bottled Water:
1. Bottled water costs more than gasoline! It costs 1000 times more than tap water.
A 20 ounce bottle of water, at $1.00 a bottle, costs 5 cents per ounce. If that bottle of water is Dasani or Aquafina, you are paying 5 cents per ounce for water which they filter from the nearest municipality. Earthlings, we find this comical.
Didiot Earthlings are paying so much for filtered water just because 'Water Companies" took the time to put the water into a plastic bottle, add a fancy schmancy logo and conduct advertising campaigns across the country to make Earthlings look cool while drinking H2O.
Earthling, if you are willing to pay this much for water you can basically get for free, we have the opportunity to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge too.
Municipal water costs less than 1 cent per
ounce from the city. Self-filtered water is much cheaper than
bottled water but more expensive than tap water.
Earthling, compare that to the cost of gasoline which is pumped from the ground, shipped around the world to a refinery, then a gas station. Gasoline at $4 per gallon calculates to 3.125 cents per ounce. This is substantially less than water at 5 cents per ounce.
Humans, we are smart but we do not understand you. Why do Earthlings complain about $4 dollar per gallon gas? You do not complain about bottled water at $6.40 per gallon. This is very illogical.
2. Bottled is NOT healthier than tap.
A secret the bottled water companies do not want us to reveal (But because we are aliens, superior in intelligence and ten times stronger than humans, we are not afraid to tell the truth.):
In theory, regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, 70% of bottled water never crosses state lines for sale, so is exempt from FDA regulation. However, your local tap water is regulated by the EPA and is regularly inspected for bacteria and toxic chemicals.
To find out how your community scores on tap water,
check out the Environmental Working Group's
National Tap Water Database.
Earthlings, the future human conflict will be focused on water not oil. Municipal water systems are getting old and there are hundreds of chemical contaminants for which no standards have been established, but there is no evidence that bottled water is any safer.
3. Plastic water bottles are harming our planet.
1.5 million tons of plastic waste is produced each year by the bottled water industry. According to Food and Water Watch, those plastic bottles require 47 million gallons of oil to produce per year.
Over 80% of plastic water bottles are not recycled, although that plastic is
in high demand by recyclers. Plastic waste is multiplying in our oceans and
causing great harm to our marine life,
fish and birds when they mistake the plastic waste for food. Due to the
slow decay rate of plastic, most of all plastics ever
produced on
Earth still exist somewhere.
Making a plastic bottle produces more than 100 times the toxic emissions to the air and water than making the same size bottle out of glass. 1.5 tons of plastic are used to bottle water every year.
4. Drinking from plastic containers is not good for your human body.
Humans, this is common sense logic. Plastic is not good for your consumption no matter what plastic companies say. Plastic bottles leach toxic chemicals, especially when left in sunlight. If you are one of those humans who reuse plastic bottles, then you are releasing more toxins as the bottle ages, or when you wash the bottle with hot water.
Glass is much less likely to contaminate your water, and lasts 20 times longer than plastic.
*If you are stuck having to drink water from plastic,
Alternatives to Bottled Water:
1. Drink Tap Water. Please, we beg you. Do not be a Didiot.
2. Use a thermos to carry water with you, of glass or metal. Not plastic.
3. Filter your tap water if you do not like the taste.
4. Conserve water whenever possible.
Read more about water at the Sierra Club's fact sheet on bottled water.
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