Zork Green Tip 20 - Ride a Vespa

Earthling, we were hovering in our saucy saucer above beautiful Rome two nights ago, famous galaxy-wide for its fashion and food. We noticed many people praying about the Italy futebol game against Romania. The Italians prayers were answered when goalkeeper Buffon saved a penalty kick against Romanian forward Mutu.

Italy was at the point of being knocked out of the Euro 2008 when Buffon dove to his left to save the penalty with his hand and his foot.

Even our pet Dinky was impressed with the quick, cat-dog like reflexes of Buffon. We heard all of the humans in Italy sighed with relief when Italy managed to tie with Romania and later qualified for quarterfinals after knocking out the French.

Futebol is the most popular sport on planet Earth. Human, if you have not heard of the Euro 2008, then you must be an alien. You do not have to like the sport, but one thing we have learned being on the planet for a very short time is that this Earthling sport unites all races, cultures and countries in harmony.

We saw many Italians zipping happily around on cute, trendy motorcycles called Vespas as Italy celebrated its survival in their Group of Death and qualification for the quarterfinals against Spain.

What if every human on this planet rode a Vespa and there were no gas guzzling SUVs or trucks? The energy crisis would be substantially reduced, and the human race would be that much more hip to the rest

of the universe. The core problem with your species is that Didiots run your countries across the world.

Earthlings consume over 86 million barrels per day and produce 88* million barrels per day. The math is simple. Demand is outstripping supply. I read in the Wall Street Journal that Saudi Arabia is going to increase their production output by 200,000 barrels per day. This will not solve your gas problem, Earthlings. Pumping more oil only makes humans more dependent on oil.

The immediate solution to the energy problem is not to pump more oil out of the ground. It is much easier to save oil than pump oil and what better way to do this than driving a Vespa where you can get 72 miles per gallon instead of 10 to 20 MPG per car.

Earthling, Vespas are cool and fashionable. Think about it human. If you are trying to impress your Earthling honey, do you think she wants to see you drive up in the Italian made Ferrari or Maserati ? Or do you think she prefers to see you ride up in a Vespa?
(The picture below shows what not to do.)

Riding in a Ferrari convertible allows you to have your hair blow in the wind but you can do the same with a Vespa. Besides, you can enjoy the freedom of feeling the wind all over your body as you ride around in the city and parking is much easier.

We are not even talking about the costs of operating a Ferrari vs. Vespa. The logic is quite compelling:

Ferrari F430 v8 - Price: $234,945, MPG: 11/17
Vespa S - Price: $4,199, MPG: 72

Few humans can afford a Ferrari so allow us to use another analogy. We will try to make it fair by giving a more realistic comparison:

Cadillac Escalade SUV - Price $55,990, MPG: 12/19
Vespa S - Price $4,199, MPG: 72

We see Earthling Gangstas and Soccer Moms driving Escalades trying to make a statement. We do not understand why Gangsta humans keep their pants down to their knees. We will continue to try to understand your fashion but we have a long way to go.

We hope 50 Cent, Eminem or Kris Kross will read this and decide to portray Vespa as the cool thing to drive. We understand they require an entourage of Earthlings so the solution might be to use Indian-based motorcycles where the rest of their posse drives in these vehicles. However, we found out that this is not so safe to do.

Riding a Vespa is logical. Driving an SUV is not. The price of gas is not going to decline because the demand for oil is going to continue to go up because the populations of countries like India and China are growing and they are buying more cars for every dwelling. Earthlings who believe the price of oil will go down are thinking like Didiots.

Just for fun (not really) we figured the cost of filling up popular SUVs gas tanks and what some Didiot Earthlings are spending yearly on gasoline (if you fill your tank once per week). If I were a human, I believe I could find several other things on which I would rather spend my money.

Cadillac Escalade 22 gallons, $105.22 tank (Premium at $4.80/gal.) $5471.44/yr

Hummer H2 SUV 32 gallons, $130.24 tank (Regular at $4.07/gal.) $6772.48/yr

Ford Expedition EL SUV 33.5 gallons, $136.45 tank $7095.40/yr

Chevrolet Silverado 2500 HD pickup 34 gallons, $138.38 tank $7195.76/yr

Dodge Ram 2500 pickup 35 gallons, $142.45 tank $7407.40

Nissan Titan pickup 37 gallons, $150.59 tank $7830.68

Ford F250 Super Duty pickup 38 gallons $154.66 tank $8042.32/yr

Be green and cool: Ride around on a Vespa.

*Wall Street Journal: Oil Exporters Unable to Keep Up with Demand, May 29, 2008 and Crude Leaps Nearly $11, In Fresh Hit to Economy, June 7, 2008 

*Energy Information Administration, International Energy Outlook 2007

Comments

[Lydia]

I will be coming upon the age when I can drive independently soon, but wouldn't you have to have a motorcycle license to operate one?

Zork says: Dear Lydia
You have a good point. In many of your United States you must have a special motorcycle license, registration and insurance.

However, you only need a regular drivers license for mopeds or motorbikes with engines smaller than 50cc, or that will not drive faster than 30 miles per hour.