It's the Planet, Didiot!: Zork Green Tip 17 - Plant a Garden: Best Way to Eat Local

The best way to be really green is to get a green thumb like us. We alien males actually have three green thumbs (our females have four) and hopefully one day, a million years from now, you will also have three green thumbs. In the meantime, Earthling, one green thumb will be sufficient for you to eat healthy and green.

Earthling, please do not be a Didiot. Reduce your carbon footprint by eating local, right out of your own back yard.

With our green thumbs, growing a green garden is not a problem. But humans, having evolved to live in the cities, have become Didiots about growing fruits and vegetables.

Any human can plant a garden if they try. It is in your genetic DNA to plant gardens. Gardening is a fun thing to do with the family or on a date. What better way to impress your date or mate than showing them your garden? We see male humans spending money on clothes and fancy cars to pick up chicks. All this is not necessary. Trust us. We know.

What line do you think will help you find a female Earthlings?

Line 1: Hey Baby, do you want to take ride in my Ferrari?

Line 2: Hey Baby, want to check out my garden I have made?

Well, of course, it would be line 2. We do not understand why any female Earthling would want to go out with a guy in a

Ferrari when they could have a date in the garden and eat fresh, healthy fruit and vegetables. It is illogical for any female to choose a Ferrari over a garden, especially when gas is at $4 per gallon. The Ferrari guy is a Didiot.

Follow my alien logic:

Oil is used to make gasoline
===> gasoline is poured into funny-looking, moving storage tanks which burn gas and emit toxic gases out of their rear
===>These toxic gases cause the Earth's weather to exhibit weird patterns such as too much heat, snow, rain or too many hurricanes or too much frost
===>weird weather ruins crops, endangers the lives of Earthlings, and drives up prices which are already skyrocketing due to high cost of gasoline due to high cost of oil

It is not hard to plant a tomato, potato, onion, squash, lettuce, cabbage, pumpkin, chive, pepper and others. All you have to do is get off your lazy rear end and try it. It does work. Humans have been doing it for centuries.

If you are an urban human and you do not have a clue how to garden, simply use your green thumbs to search the worldwide web for information on gardening, take a class or ask a green-thumbed friend for help. Or you can read one of the books we list below.

Earthlings, we do not understand why humans use the word organic when organic is what your ancestors had been doing for centuries. Organics this, organic that, organic everywhere.

Benefits of ~~Organic~~ Home Gardening:

1. More vitamins and minerals are found in organic veggies and fruit (Rutger's University study). Organic veggies contain much greater amounts of potassium, iron, calcium and magnesium. Fresh organic veggies and fruit are proven to help the human body fight diseases.

2. Eat less pesticides, hormones and fertilizers. Earthlings, our bodies are different than yours, but we are not fond of eating pesticides for our digestive organs. Garden at home and you will eat less toxins for a healthier family.

3. Organic veggies have a longer shelf life.

4. Shop in your own backyard. Why drive to the store when you can step into your own backyard for fresher, tastier veggies?

5. Organic veggies and fruit are tastier. It is logical to assume that veggies taste better without all the chemical additives.

6. Enjoy more sunshine and fresh air. We are amazed how many overweight Earthlings we see around us. Get out and get some exercise while you garden and reduce stress from your life by being in touch with nature.

7. Gardening causes you to be happier. Gardening humans tell us they are more fulfilled and have higher self-esteem when they garden.

8. Sell your thigh-master or that old treadmill/clothes rack. Gardening is excellent exercise. Digging, planting and weeding are work.

9. Make friends or pick up human female chicks. Give your excess veggies to other humans and they will love you.

Earthling, what better way to start a conversation with a potential date than showing them your cucumber, carrots, onions, tomatoes or potatoes that you grew in your own backyard? We see humans walking their dogs and using them to meet potential dates. A vegetable is cheaper to maintain and easier to control. You can keep a cucumber or onion in your pocket.

Gardening saves gas because you will not have to drive to your grocery store. Simply walk into your back yard and grab some veggies. Garden to be green and healthy.

Here are some lovely books to get you started:

All New Square Foot Gardening

The Vegetable Gardener's Bible